No longer part of your life

Do you think a day will come when I will no longer be a part of your life? You will never know that day. You are not living in reality, and until you realize I will always be with you, nothing will ever go right for you. Until you do right by me, there will never be anything good in your life. You can try to ignore me and move on without me, but everything that happens will be filled with dissatisfaction, and just when you think everything is going to be okay, the foundation of your dreams will wash away like sand on the beach. Your hope for the comforts you think are in your grip will seep through your fingers like jello, and the tighter you try to hold it, the less you will have.

Your future will only bring value when you take care of me. When you provide nourishing love and affection for me, you will begin to discover healing and comfort for yourself. Today you have to start giving me what I need. You have to stop repeating that old pattern of not caring for me. Your learned behaviors of ignoring me and distancing yourself from me poison you. You keep expecting me to die from the poison, but you only make yourself sick. Your own body and mind suffer.

Nurture what we became, and love what we have developed. Embrace the love we have grown and shared. Develop a future where I can prosper, thrive in peace, and ensure my health and well-being. Until you do, everything in your life will fail. Until you do right by me, nothing in your future will bring you contentment and joy. Accept the reality and the truth; you will always be a part of me. You will also realize happiness when you finally accept this truth and begin giving me what I need to be happy. The longer you fight this truth and ignore my needs, the more you will suffer mentally and physically.

We have to move on. There is no way to return to what we were or to where we came from. There is only one path forward. Nothing can be the same or salvaged. The damage we have created cannot be repaired. You have to let go of the memories and stop feeling sorry for and angry about how things are and how it all fell apart. You cannot build a healthy future by holding on to the old habits and clinging to your old personality patterns. We can only move forward into a happy and healthy future when you let go of the anger and pain and do right by me.

Are you as aware of me as I of you? Can you sense me the way I sense you? It seems like we are together in almost every thought, and strange how the thought can seem all invasive but leaves me feeling all alone. You try to be independent of me. You adopt this mantra for independence and self-reliance. I know you cannot be free from me. No mantra for the self can ever separate us. You know I was there, always have been, and always will be.

Did you notice when I tried to make everything perfect for you? How will you let me know if you are thankful for everything I have done for you? You enjoy my talents for making your home comfortable and when I provide you with lavish gifts. I feel your smiles when I compliment your talents and how you are so perfect in my eyes. How could I not want the best for you? Even when I have a bad day or when my energy is low, it’s still only you that I want everything to be perfect for. You can’t help but recognize when I come up short, but how will you find a way to show gratitude for the many times I was a success? What can you do to truly show gratitude for what I have given you? I gave you my physical and mental best more often than my failure. Please do right by me. Show me your best, and give me that wonderful gratitude you hold inside. Won’t you give me the same respect and love you graciously share with everyone else?

Thank you for always being there and for those beautiful memories. You made sure I survived the worst of times, and you are the center of memories for the best times. Please accept my apologies for the many times I took you for granted. Carelessly I knew you would be there, and sometimes when you were in a bad way, sad, sick, or all alone, it was always me to blame. Did you notice when I took you to the doctor or when I took you to the dentist? Maybe I shouldn’t have waited so long, but I got you healed. I promise to never take you for granted again. I will try harder to be a better person.

Please do right by me. Everything you experience and enjoy depends on you doing right by me. Did you see me take you to the physical therapist? Did you notice how much better you feel after the session? I have made you a second appointment and will ensure you get there. Did you see me when I called the counselor today? You can do anything with all of your talent and intellect, but you’ve always asked me for more than I alone can give you. The counselor will be a better set of ears and reasoning for you. I want only the very best for you. I will always do whatever I can for you, and all I ask in return is for you to do right by me.

You will never be free of me, and I will never be without you. So then, all we can do is accept the reality of every day. As you exist and as I go through the day, we owe it to one another to be the best person possible. Neither of us is a victim, and neither of us will ever be independent of the other. But we can be happy and free.

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Move Forward

There it is; this idea of writing comes up in my thoughts again and again. Inspiration to move forward is never far away; it’s finding the concentration that is difficult. After a month of my mental and physical energy being tossed upside down and scrambled, maybe I can get a paragraph written today. Maybe even two.

On the eighteenth day of March, as I recall, my life was picked up like the letter titles in a scrabble game. Tossed into a bag and shaken until everything I had come to know was unrecognizable and gone. This morning as I lay in bed, I opened the bag and emptied the tiles onto the sheet. All the letters are still here. All the words can be put back together again. Nothing is missing or gone, just different. So then, the question isn’t why my world became a shambles, but instead, the question is how do I want my new life to take form?

Yes. It [move forward] does feel much better. There are just one hundred and eighty-two words, but I’ll get three hundred next time. 

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Writing Fiction with Mark Bertrand

Opportunity knocked and there was nothing that was going to stop me from answering the door. Writing fiction with Mark Bertrand is the topic for a podcast interview. I’m waiting for the interview with Fictionary, sitting here in front of my laptop on my straight back chair, preventing me from slouching. I’m seven minutes early and grateful to be the first one in the Zoom meeting. Running through the checklist . . . light on? Check. Camera working? Check. Mic plugged in and green light on? Check. Test the sound? Check. Backdrop illuminated? Check. Book ready to show the cover? Book 2 and 3, check. Smile ready? Check. Mood elevated? — I said, mood elevated? hmmmmm

I began using the Fictionary app for writing fiction five months previously. The app provides authors with an automated system used to guide and spark creativity while developmental editing the author’s manuscript. Some people call it story editing. The app wasn’t difficult to use or to learn. Developmental editing involves the most work and it is also the most critical process for the author. This is the step of writing a book builds the relationship between the author and the reader. As the author, this is where I establish trust with the reader.

So using the Fictionary app when writing fiction, or even non fiction, requires me to trust the app will help me in this critical stage of my novel. Kristina arrived in the Zoom room and we met in person, online, for the first time. We communicated smoothly and naturally. As if we’ve known each other for many years; the conversation flowed. Watch the video and see what writing fiction means to her and I and how Fictionary will continue to help make me write good fiction throughout my career.

The reason my mood didn’t elevate when I ran through the checklist above? Less than twenty-four hours before the interview, my wife had taken her bags and walked out of my life. I could have canceled, but it was such short notice and opportunity rarely knocks. Well, I forgot half of what I had rehearsed to say, and my mind was drifting throughout the interview. When life gets hard and bites with sharp teeth I try to hang on to the thought, this is the night. Morning will come and bring a new day.

Healing takes time and if someone leaves me; when someone can walk away from me then I have to accept they weren’t meant to be in my future. I suppose that is why life is a four letter word. Perhaps the experience too will help me to write better fiction.

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