Perhaps I am a hoarder. I hold onto every hardwon moment of clarity and self-discovery in my life.
Whenever I reach the edge for my ability to comprehend something, it causes me an odd feeling. There’s an uneasiness that includes feeling a little dizzy and bewildered. When this happens, the urge to stop reading or listening loudly calls out my thinking mind forward. The call is loud, like a siren from an ambulance on a one-way street lined with skyscrapers. For example, this usually happens when I read an ancient sutra or an Alan Watts novel. I would read a single page, and the sirens begin before the page ends. For many years this uneasiness of reaching the edge of my understanding stopped me in my path. I would say to myself, “this makes no sense at all.” Or, perhaps I would stop reading, close the book, and think, “I’ll come back to this later when I have figured out what the author has written.”
Over the years, I’ve learned to embrace the odd feeling from reaching the edge of my comprehension. But, at last, over many years of practicing and training my mind, I’ve learned to enjoy the oddity. Today my awakened conscious mind clues in on the uneasiness and encourages my awareness to prepare for a new experience.
I’m not writing this story in hopes of anyone, besides myself, ever reading it. I’m not craving fame nor fortune for the efforts. Indeed it is an effort that is ripe with the potential to cause karma. Karma I don’t need and that I don’t desire. So instead, I write this story to convey the liberation that has become available to all sentient beings. The liberation that is available for those who read this as well as for those who do not.
After years of finding the edge of my mental capacity, exploring, contemplating, eventually coming through the other side of not knowing so now I do. My mental capacity has vastly increased my depth of knowledge. So there came this time, a time to write about the observation of peace. True peace. The kind of peace every living person desires. The sort of peace is realized when a being is free from the constant struggle of not knowing what life will bring next. That kind of story is going to be told in such a way that once it’s heard, it provides that peace immediately, and that earned peace doesn’t deteriorate; it cannot deteriorate at all. To write that sort of story, I realize I will have to stop living with my mind out here on the far, far edge of awakened capacity.
Now and then, I must stop working on the surface. Sharing my observations of earning true peace is a story that requires me to not just come to a complete stop at the edge. Then once stopped, take several steps back. Metaphorically speaking, I have to find that bag where I’ve stored all of those moments of clarity. All the aha moments. All those awakenings. Whatever you want to label the results of feeling dazed and confused coming out the other end fully getting it.
I reached with my whole arm way down into that filled and overflowing bag. Then I pulled one deep from the bottom. I looked at it, and now I can tell the Book 2 story from this depth.